The Grand Theft Auto V box art has just been revealed, which is Big Videogames News, the sort that causes all of the videogames news websites to hoist up their skirts and run around in a sort of “news musth”, butting their news antlers together in competition for the highest Google ranking. Not me though, nope, I’m going to run the same, increasingly self-satisfied joke into the ground by being deeply sarcastic about Rockstar’s drip feed of non-content and the press frenzy it elicits by showing you the 23 WEIRDEST GRAND THEFT AUTO V BOX ART DETAILS YOU DEFINITELY MISSED.
More Than Meets The Eye
This box art contains almost two dozen secret hidden details. I’ve found them all by getting right up close to my monitor and noting down what I saw using my Pukka notepad and a pen I stole from EA.
1. Hel(icopter) Is Other People
This helicopter has the number 340 on the front and is shooting bullets and rockets out of its guns. It is bluish grey in colour.
2. What A Gas
This is somebody wearing a gas mask. The first of such masks was invented in 1847, but this one looks fairly new.
3. Motorbikes Is What I Likes
Another vehicle confirmed: this motorbike. It’s got a man on top with a bag that’s probably full of drugs. He’s probably escaping from the men who own the drugs.
4. We Need To Talk About Kevin
Keen-eyed readers will have spotted television’s Kevin Eldon looking a little miffed to the right of the game’s logo.
5. Name of the Game
The game’s name (Grand Theft Auto V-Five) can be spotted just to the very middle of the box art if you look very carefully.
6. Lady With The Nice Face
Look at this lady with the nice face. Make you wonder if she just got a text message. If she had, perhaps it was one of those ones about PPI, ohh, don’t you hate those?
7. Feelin Woof
There’s a dog, right here, where the arrow is pointing.
8. Water Wonderful World
This person is riding a jet-ski called a Speedophile 2000. Do you get it? It sounds like paedophile. Classic! How do they come up with such clever names for the things in their game?
9. Look We Really Need To Talk About Kevin Have You Got a Minute?
Have I done Kevin Eldon already? Sorry.
10. Back in Black
Hidden beneath a yellow “R square” is this black car that you can probably drive in the game. I’m no car expert, but this car looks like a fast car because of its large “front hole”.
11. The Po-Po (Police)
The policemen are the main antagonists of the Grand Theft Auto games, and will do anything in their power to stop Johnny Crimes, the series’ main character. This is subtly referenced in the box art with this police car, right here. Can you see it?
12. I Made This
This yellow glyph represents the people who wrote the game with their magic game writing pens: Rhyl Sealife Aquarium. A big round of applause for them, I think, as they have done such a good job on their game.
13. Today Is The First Day of The Rest of My Life
The main character (Johnny Crimes) can be seen here holding a gun that he intends to drop off at his local gun amnesty centre. Fate has something else in store for him however when he must shoot a pram out of the way of an oncoming truck: an act that gives him one police star and kicks off the events of Grand Theft Auto V-Five.
14. I Could Have Been Anything I Wanted
The dog’s name is Chop. In Grand Theft Auto V-Five you will be able to name any dogs you encounter by taking an Instagram picture of them and uploading them with the caption “What do you think guys? I think this one looks like a ‘Catherine’ :3”
15. I Fought The Law And The Law Won and Set a Precedent Regarding The Sale of Dead Pets Over the Internet
This bad boy is trademarked, so don’t even think of calling your videogame “Grand Theft Auto V-Five”. It’s taken already, girls.
16. What Is This? A Penis and Balls?
17. Brown Shoes, What Are Those, Timberland?
Some nice shoes on this character here. Probably going to be shoes in this game. I’ll bet my own shoes that there will be shoes in this game.
18. Enter The Game Grid
The digital version of the box art appears to made up of a grid of individual coloured pixels which, when viewed from a distance, forms the overall impression of the image. Each pixel is the size of the game grid from Tron.
19. I Ordered a Yoghurt Parfait and the Whole Parfait Was Fruit
Some of the features of the box art include the ability to display at four common scales: per pixel, to fit the screen, to fill the screen and at the size it would print, given the current DPI settings (72dpi for web, typically).
20. If You Liked It Then You Shoulda Putta Ring On It Or At Least Told Me You Were Saving Up, We Could’ve Discussed it Like Adults
Google Earth must have updated recently and presumed to place a shortcut on my desktop, the big arrogant, free map of the entire planet bastard.
21. Speaker of the House of Come Ons
I borrowed these Tiny speakers from my old flatmate and they were always “good enough” so I never saw any reason to upgrade. When he moved out he either forgot I had them or just didn’t want them, so I suppose they’re mine now.
22. No The Joke Is Not Wearing Thin Thank You Very Much
This stain appears on my window every time it rains, and with weather like we’ve been having you can hardly blame me for not washing it off every time it happens.
23. View To a Cat
This is the view below my window. Sometimes there’s a cat. I’ll sometimes make noises at the cat, so that the cat looks up at me. Sometimes the cat meows.