Wait one second while I put on my very serious journalism hat. That’s better. Sooo, Block N Load – Jagex’s Lego-aping, online sandbox shooter – is getting a new character. A new character that’s a hamster. A hamster that lives in a fully-weaponised ball. Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.
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Also: dat name. Not only are you dealing with a pocket-sized pet that has bolted a massive gun onto its mobile home, but it’s called Roly Poly Fat Fat. Delightful.
According to Jagex, the furry tyke is totally psyched for Block N Load’s hectic multiplayer combat. “Following in the footsteps of furry and feathery war veterans from history, Roly Poly Fat Fat is ready to play her part on today’s frontline in the free-to-play FPS.”
Not only is little Fat Fat armed to the cutesy teeth with a cannon-mounted hamster ball, she packs explosive shells to “maximise splash damage”. Her ball of doom can also zip about the battlefield at incredible speeds, and if that’s not enough, she can stop close-range attacks by releasing “a short-lived cloud of toxic fumes”. Roly Poly is nothing like that hamster I used to have when I was twelve… mainly because I accidentally sat on that one.
All that’s left to do is leave you with the sage words of Roly Poly, who apparently hails from the Lone Star state:
“As the Texan war hamster herself would say, ‘Run with the big dogs or stay in the porch.'”