Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator released on Steam yesterday. Given the name and the premise, it’s no surprise that it’s garnered a fair amount of interest so far. In fact, based on the blurb, the only surprise is it hasn’t yet knocked Dota 2 off the top of the charts:
‘You and your daughter have just moved into the sleepy seaside town of Maple Bay only to discover that everyone in your neighborhood is a single, dateable Dad! Will you go out with Teacher Dad? Goth Dad? Bad Dad? Or any of the other cool Dads in this game?’
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With such a pitch, the PCGN team felt compelled to get involved and make our own dream daddies. Either those we’d like to be, date, or some other hideous outcry from deep within our subconscious. Read on, judge us, and try not to have nightmares…
My dream daddy is…essentially an idealised version of myself, were I to ever have children. He’s more muscular, has more lustrous hair, and clearly maintains a job that requires impeccably tailored suits. You’ll notice the sad eyebrows that hint at a tragic past, and, of course, the heart-shaped baby blues: both shortcuts for approaching other hot dads in the produce aisle of the supermarket.
My dream daddy is… not your father. Of course he’s not. How could you possibly be related to someone as rugged, well-defined, and effortlessly stylish? A lack of blood relation does, of course, mean you’re in with a chance of dating this heroic specimen. He’s not a young man anymore, but don’t lie; you’d swipe right to get a hand on his helix rocket.
My dream daddy is… I picture my future as a continued decline into tiredness and Dream Daddy provides all the tools I need to capture it. The receding hairline, bags under the eyes, and swollen belly are where I see my future going. More than a vision of my future, though, Dream Daddy has also shown me a suit and shirt combo I hadn’t considered before, and now must go out and find. Has this game captured my future or simply defined it?
My dream daddy is… above all, strong. He’s the kind of daddy who’d teach you how to sock a bully or whittle a fishing spear. Yes, he’s a little distant, but that only makes you crave his approval all the more. And on the rare occasion that he shows you he cares – ruffling your hair and gruffly whispering, “good job, champ” – you’ll know in that blissful, perfect moment that you’ve made him one proud papa.
My dream daddy is…Shirley Crabtree Jr. who, like all great men, is able to be entirely masculine while rocking blue lipstick and a girl’s name. And an LSD-inspired kitteh shirt, which he’d ideally wear open to his protruding navel. Like Marion Morrison and Mandy Patinkin before him, my big daddy is a fatherly role model for the ages and the sort of guy to make any red-blooded human weak at the knees.
My dream daddy is… a leader, and not just in the field of incredibly tight men’s bottomwear in which he’s made his name. Papa Longjohns takes control with a comfortable air that speaks of years spent pulling trousers down. From the shelves. Of his franchised stores. If those eyes seem sad, that’s simply experience and understanding. Spend half an hour in his company and you’re liable to throw your head in his lap and burst into tears. But hey, as he likes to say with a wink, that’s ok too. Whatever you’re into.
My dream daddy is… a forest-dweller. Surviving on a diet of hallucinogenic berries and the wildlife he smashes with his massive hammer, he likes nothing better than to look sternly off into the distance and grunt. Every year he returns to civilisation to try and find a mate, before shambling back into the woods, thus far unsuccessful.
My dream daddy is… a fisting god. Ahem. I mean he’s Doomfist after he’s settled down, got a proper job, and had a few kids. He’s put on a few pounds since retiring the life of the greatest man in Overwatch, naturally, but he’s keeping the passion burning inside, letting it manifest as a rather hideous skull t-shirt. Maybe it reminds him of his mate Reaper. His dream is to hear, for one last time, someone say gently into his ear: fist me, daddy.
Who’s YOUR dream daddy? Let us know in the – actually, maybe not…