It’s a dangerous time to be a porn star in Britain. Police officers roam the streets arresting anyone who looks to be making recordings of the sex that the government says is bad sex. That’s everything from a spanking to fisting to the very worst of the bad sexs, a lady having a funsplosion.
Thankfully, Holly Gramazio has put together a short game, Pornography for Beginners, that teaches you the dos and don’ts of sexing in Britain.
You play a hard working British porn star who has a long day of making sex videos ahead of them. Each level has you walking around the film studio, sliding tiles of different objects and body parts together. Each successful sexy sex act makes the penis-o-meter on the left of the screen grow, each naughty sex act makes it shrivel. Fill the bar and move on to the next room for a more difficult scene.
You’ll quickly learn the ins and outs of British law: putting wee on boobs = not sexy; but a sexy ejaculating willy on boobs = a hearty surge on the penis-o-meter. Feel free to experiment, too. Vaginas aren’t just for dongs (ejaculating and non-ejaculating), they’re also for fingers and strap-ons. Mind out you don’t put a fist up there, though. That’s a big no no.
Pornography for Beginners’ later levels become a challenge as you face levels littered with dangerous items (plug sockets), illegal body parts (funsploding lady bits), and a limited number of sexy bits that can be combined. You don’t want to put all your spurting willies in bums and vaginas because they’re the only body part that can make boobs sexy. You don’t want to use them all up and then be left with a screen of boobs you can’t stimulate. You’d just feel silly and have to restart the puzzle.
You can play Pornography for Beginners over on Gramazio’s site.