After weeks of speculation, Resident Evil Village’s art director finally gave the internet what it wanted: tall vampire lady’s exact height. Tomonori Takano politely summed up the tidal wave of thirst trapping that’s washed over videogames Twitter since mid-January as an “outpouring of positivity.” There’s been NSFW fanfiction, redditors politely requesting that she steps on them, and Google Trends confirms that people are already searching for Lady Dimitrescu porn. Hell, I got ten seconds into scrolling the Resident Evil subreddit before seeing the words “dommy vampire mommy”.
Still, I don’t think anyone was prepared for just how tall Lady D actually is. Her official height, with heels and hat, is nine foot and six inches… 9′6″. That’s perilously close to the sex number.
But you’re all missing the point on this one. Just think about all of the things she can reach! Face to face, the average man would find himself staring at Lady D’s belly button. When you factor in standing reach, she can get her fingertips a whopping 12′6″ in the air (and that’s before adding her Wolverine-like retractable claws). Naturally, all this got us wondering about what else Lady Dimitrescu can reach. Here’s what we found…
steal eggs from the nest of any bird in the tit family
Imagine Lady Dimitrescu’s sinister grin but there’s yolk, tufty feathers, and shards of eggshell dripping down her chin. That’s got to be a fetish, right? While avian nesting heights can vary significantly, Lady Dimitrescu would be able to reach into even the highest nest of any bird in the tit family and snatch the eggs inside.
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Other birds, especially birds of prey, typically nest too high, but there’s a chance Lady D could find a low woodpecker nesting hole or perhaps prey on some screech-owl hatchlings if she fancied something with a more ferrous, gamey flavour.
wash the roof of a Hummer
Do you ever get lower back pain from washing dishes in a kitchen sink that’s just a little bit too low for you? Lady Dimitrescu would experience this mild discomfort when washing a Hummer, one of the tallest cars you can buy. While the Hummer H2 looms over even Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lady Dimitrescu would have to lean down just to wash the roof. Advantage or disadvantage? Gift or curse? You be the judge.
SLAM DUNK WITHOUT TIPTOEING
And she’d barely be reaching. Seriously, a regulation basketball hoop is ten feet tall, so our towering mistress wouldn’t even be straining to place the ball through the hoop. We don’t know a huge amount about Castle Dimitrescu, but we sincerely hope it has a basketball court so Lady D can dunk all of her victims on it.
pat a giraffe on the back
A male giraffe is around 18 feet tall, so there’s no chance that Lady Dimitrescu could give it a chin scratch. However, she would be able to pat it on the back. In fact, if Lady D got a running start she might even be able to vault straight onto an unsuspecting giraffe and tame it. There’s a neat mental image.
change a lightbulb in a Georgian townhouse
In case you didn’t know, PCGamesN is based in Bath, a British city known for its Georgian architecture. Ceilings in Georgian townhouses are very tall, often between 12 and 14 feet high, which makes changing light bulbs in a rented flat more frightening than anything Resident Evil Village has to offer. Lady Dimitrescu would have to stretch a little, but she would find it much easier than constructing a staircase of books like I once had to.
If the idea of a 9-foot vampire woman intrigues you as much as it did us, you can pre-order Resident Evil Village on the Fanatical store today.