Half-Life 2 sucks: scathing user reviews for classic games

Insane user reviews

There are certain games that are undisputedly considered ‘classics’. From the titles that defined a generation like Half-Life 2, to modern masterpieces like Dishonored, both critics and fans laud their accomplishments and hold them up as examples to be followed. 

Even those featured on our best PC games list aren’t safe from negative user reviews!

Of course, even when things are clearly brilliant, there are still people who hold opinions that could be considered, for lack of a better term, wrong. Hidden among user reviews you’ll find the ravings of gamers who need you to wake up and stop following the crowd, because that game you love is, apparently, objectively garbage. 

Here we’ve gathered together some of the… oddest verdicts for classic games from Amazon and Steam’s user reviews. Because remember: just because you and literally everyone else you’ve ever met loved it, doesn’t make you right.

(Also, in an attempt to make the user review process an all-round better one, we've included links inviting you to contribute to our own, templated user reviews engine. If you could drop in a verdict or three then we'll love you forever.)

Half-Life 2

User reviews Half-Life 2

Back in 2005 Steam wasn’t the One True Religion is it now, but considered the very embodiment of the antichrist. This review really demonstrates the hate and frustration for the always-online system, but it’s the ‘GREAT GAME PLAY!’ comment that appears out of nowhere that makes this review a little gem. 

User reviews Half-Life 2

Among the ramblings of this review are harsh criticisms for the fact that Gordon, hero of Half-Life 2, is a silent protagonist. The fact that he’s got a PhD in Theoretical Physics despite not being able to talk is clearly impossible, and thus causes a massive dent in anyone’s ability to enjoy the game. 

Think these guys are wrong? Why not write your own Half-Life 2 review over at our reviews page. 

Bioshock

User reviews Bioshock

This Steam review takes offence to the idea that Bioshock dare attempt to include lightning-based powers, since they’re clearly the copyrighted intellectual property of Star Wars. We’ll be in touch with Irrational Games shortly to demand royalties are paid to LucasFilm.  

User reviews Bioshock

If just being too weird wasn’t bad enough, Bioshock is also the reason the world is rotting from within. The game’s moral quandary regarding the killing of Little Sisters is most certainly the direct path to the downfall of civilisation. 

Do you love Rapture more than these guys? Tell us in a Bioshock review

Deus Ex

User reviews Deus Ex Human Revolution

This very frustrated Amazon reviewer decries the brilliant Deus Ex: Human Revolution for its difficulty, criticising it for making them replay four minutes of gameplay each time they died. Please, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t tell them about Dark Souls…

User reviews Deus Ex

Over on Steam, praise for the original Deux Ex is similarly confused. Apparently an old game being old in 2015 is a horrifying crime against humanity. Crono suggests that the Overwhelmingly Positive user rating is a conspiracy to encourage sales, which admittedly does tie in nicely to a game about corporate agendas. 

Convinced Deus Ex is the best game ever made? Sing its praises in your own Deus Ex review.

Dishonored

User reviews DishonoredDishonored, the game with Thief-like mechanics and a grim, Victorian aesthetic is apparently a rip-off of Bioshock; an art-deco FPS where you shoot bees from your fists. A very astute observation, nameless Amazon customer. 

User reviews DishonoredDishonored is many things, but an RPG it is not. Yet while not being an RPG, this Amazon reviewer is happy to drag it through the one-star dirt because it doesn’t have an open world, apparently the ‘only good aspect’ of RPGs. 

Love sneaking it up with Corvo? Tell us all about it in a Dishonored review. 

Thief II

User reviews Thief II

Talking of brilliant stealth games, Thief II is apparently really not worth anyone’s time, since it requires an awful lot of something called “patience”. Since you were considering buying a stealth game, you may not have realised this prerequisite.

Tell us why it is a stone-cold classic in your own Thief II review

Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag

User reviews Assassin's Creed Black Flag

As you may have heard, innovation is the number one enemy in games today, and any attempt to change a game’s formula six games into the franchise is heresy, even if that change does make it one of the finest open-world games of all time. Shame Jexxi didn’t notice the ship on the front of the box…

User reviews Assassin's Creed Black Flag

Of course, even if you’re on board with pirates, Black Flag is missing a certain something. Presumably reviewer R.W. Jamison also submitted a letter to his favourite games magazine decrying the absence of peg legs, too. 

User reviews Assassin's Creed Black Flag

Despite discovering Black Flag wasn't for him, this reviewer continued to plough through and collect 90% of the games many achievements. Having enjoyed games before, he assumed he’d like this one too, which I guess is a reasonable assumption. Not only that, but he also notes the lack of parrots in the game, and considers it a key element in awarding the game a solitary star. 

A fan of the pirate life? Draw us a map to the best bits of the game in an Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag review

System Shock 2

User reviews System Shock 2

For reference, this is the control panel for a Boeing 747. Please compare with your keyboard. 

Explain to us how Looking Glass changed the videogame world forever in a System Shock 2 review

Skyrim

User reviews Skyrim

It seems this reviewer is confused about what ‘gameplay’ is, considering they claim that Skyrim has no gameplay at all and then proceed to list an entire paragraph of the game’s mechanics.

Is this the best Elder Scrolls game ever? Tell us all in a Skyrim review

Mass Effect 2

User reviews Mass Effect 2

RPGs are typically as much about negotiation, diplomacy, and conversation as they are about blasting the brains out of evil naer-doers, so it’s quite confusing that this Amazon reviewer would grant the stellar Mass Effect 2 just a single star for talking to ‘one million people’. Embrace socialising! Enjoy a good natter with a blue-skinned space hooker! 

Think the suicide mission is the best thing Bioware have ever done? Get excited in a Mass Effect 2 review

Portal 2

User reviews Portal 2

DNA decided to slam a big thumbs down on Portal 2 because it works exactly how a game should. Apparently being a collection of mechanics that function in a sequence just isn’t good enough these days. Look at all those disgusting puzzle rooms! How dare they infect this puzzle game! 

User reviews Portal 2

“This game is all about puzzle solving” laments this review, seemingly surprised that a puzzle game would be entirely about the puzzles. “There’s no real adventure” it cries, seemingly hurt that the game about pretend physics experiments refused to take them on a globe-trotting expedition. 

Did Valve bend your mind at Aperture Labs? Tell us what you loved in a Portal 2 review

Minecraft

User reviews Minecraft

There's not a lot to get about Minecraft; it's a game where you fit blocks together to make things. There's been a pretty solid tutorial in the real world for a while called Lego. Combine that with your own natural curiosity and you'll get the hang of it. Unfortunately, that's just not enough for this father and son. 

User reviews Minecraft

Minecraft's big appeal is, of course, that it's endless. That's precisely why there are a billion-and-one videos dedicated to it on YouTube. Perhaps Tony was shipped a defective copy of the game, then, since he seems to have exhausted the game's limitless possibilities in five days. 

Do you love big blocks and cannot lie? Then head over here and write a Minecraft review

Have you ever read a bizarre, misguided, or just down-right wrong user review? Share your favourites in the comments.

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DustyGerkin avatarNinja Fried Rice avatarShriven avatarZorakRobert avatarKing Kyne avatarLolssi avatar+4
Ninja Fried Rice Avatar
154
Ninja Fried Rice(7 hours played)
1 Year ago

Going to have to say that the reviews of older game made years after they came out, some decades after. They don't count. Saying something is out dated and there for bad is like saying a 1967 shelby gt500 is bad for not having park assist or something.

5
tetris42 Avatar
51
4 Months ago

I'd say yes and no. If they're complaining about graphics or technical issues, yeah, that doesn't count. A good game stands the test of time through its gameplay, atmosphere, writing, etc. and should absolutely be judged as to whether it holds up on that front or not.

2
Shriven Avatar
3449
Shriven(19 minutes played)
1 Year ago

Gah, RAGE inducing article!

4
King Kyne Avatar
4
1 Year ago

This is a superb article!

As a developer I can't help but laugh at some peoples reviews.

I had one recently that had played our game for over 300hrs. Changed his avatar pic to our logo. Then gave us a not recommended review, saying the game wasn't very good. Hilarious

4
ZorakRobert Avatar
12
ZorakRobert(2 hours played)
1 Year ago

I usually don't comment on articles like this, but I just had to say the guy in the second review for Half-Life 2 totally has some good points. I love HL2 but it's launch was a mess and the story is unfinished, half baked garbage.

There had to have been some better "bad" reviews out there to make your point.

And scrolling through to make this comment I saw some of the other "master pieces" that had bad reviews and I see stuff like Bioshock and Minecraft. Bioshock is good too, but not great. And then Minecraft? REALLY? A MASTERPIECE? Did a 12 year old pick the games for this article?

I just glanced over more of the games listed and I am foaming at the mouth here. Assassins Creed black flag got a bad review you say? WHAT A SHOCK.

2
JMiles2 Avatar
89
1 Year ago

Clearly reviews of young kids and you're going to pay attention to that on this site? Heck, why write an article at all about this? Because they say something bad about your beloved games and you feel the need to correct them?

Can we please go back to more professional articles. Thanks.

2
Xerkics Avatar
374
5 Months ago

If the article author wasnt so full of himself on his high horse he d see that subjectively lot of those reviews have valid points.

1
DustyGerkin Avatar
183
1 Year ago

Can't say I actually though HL2 was any good. See so many people raving about it but it's just 'meh'. Far too much walking/boating along corridors.

-3
tetris42 Avatar
51
4 Months ago

I thought it was a decent game, but overrated. I never got the "wow" factor from it. Especially when everyone was raving about the physics when I had already been staking people to a wall in Painkiller earlier that year.

2
DustyGerkin Avatar
183
1 Year ago

No one want to give me a reason why you've down voted?

1
Lolssi Avatar
325
1 Year ago

Because you hurt'em deeply? :)

I upvoted and tend to agree. HL2 was so boring I couldn't even finish it first try. First one was great and did same thing to Unreal that Unreal had done to Quake before it.

1
UntoldAv3nGer Avatar
399
1 Year ago

I bailed out on HL2 as well XD

1