Yesterday, we asked what Skyrim’s Dawnguard DLC could possibly offer that mods can’t. Now we flip the question: let’s see what mods can offer that DLC could, would, or shouldn’t add.
Warning: this page features fake ping wangs.
But let’s start with something fluffy.
Singing Autotune Bears
The common bear is a giantkilling ball of muscle and claw. Bears areso vicious that if you even dream about a bear, you’ll wake up in a bed full of torn sheets and covered in bear spit. In order to make them a bit more cuddly, Snoopey gives usSinging Autotune Bears: it replaces thebear’s basic growls with his own autotuned song. “I’m a bear! Oh yeah. Bear!” Better than the Black Eyed Peas.
If we can accept aVampire Duckthen we should at least consider the narrative possibility of the humble Werechair. It feeds on the flesh of the living. And is also surprisingly comfortable.
Ever fumbled a lockpick? Ever ran out of Mana just before you were eaten by a Troll? I used to do exactly the same. That was,right up until installing this mod. Itadds a comedy laugh track everytime you make a mistake.” Now I just slap my thigh and point my finger at the monitor in agreement: “Yes! It was pretty damn funny when I accidentally slipped down a mountain and lost an hour’s worth of game progress.
Movie buffs everywhere will know of the Wilhelm Scream: a stock sound used as an in-joke among film-makers. If you’ve ever seen The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Indiana Jones or countless other films, you’ll have heard it. This mod adds it as the death scream for any and all creatures and people that might feel the wrath of the Dragon-Born. You can even tailor how often it sounds out. You don’t want to overdo it, afterall.
I’m usually a little uncomfortable around dildo humour. But this mod,which replaces the game’s arrows with, grotesque pink plastic love sausages, has slightly changed my mind. The thing is, they’re rather well-modelled: the joke isn’t as cheap when you see fake dong’s rolling down the stairs with all therubbery, bouncy personality you’d imagine. You know – it is a cheap joke. But it’s a cheap joke crafted with a loving attention to detail.
“Why not Zoidberg” – a question we all ask ourselves from time to time. Modder Snoopey, who also made the bear mod, asked that in relation to Skyrim’s native mudcrabs. The answer, a mod that stretches Futurama’s docto’s visage over the crabs. It also adds voice files of the whooping crustacean. When it attacks screaming “My mother was a saint”, I’m unashamed to say I might have laughed until I cried a little.
The noble saber cats of of Skyrim were clearly a labour of love for a poor, unknownBethesda designer. They prowl and growl menacingly, their vampirish teeth ready to rip your flesh at even the slightest provocation. That blessed fellow should be proud.
You know what’s not scary? When the same cat sports a tail made ofrainbows.
Darker dog eyebrows
Skyrim has as few large doggies knocking about the world. They can be hired as your companion. But occasionally, you look at your dog. Daww. Aww.You gaze lovingly into it’s beautiful wet eyes and think, “WHY DOES THIS DOG NOT HAVE EYEBROWS?” Thanks to mods; now it can.
NSFW!Are lockpicks not sexy enough for you? Do you long for the breaking and entering minigameto represent a trussed up girl exposing her ladygarden? Between me and you, there is a mod that does that. Propriety stops me from embedding a video, because it’s filthy, but if you must see it in action then you can click here. I’ll leave my sentiment to be expressed by my good friend, Mr Jerry Seinfeld.
You clicked on that. Don’t blame us.