“What does it take to kill this monster?” Meet Thomas the Tank Engine, scourge of Skyrim


See the world, they said. Infinite dragons, they said. Plumes of flame and biting cold and nasty status effects, they said. 

But they never mentioned the Really Useful Engines.

“You’re probably thinking, “Man, dragons suck, I wish someone would replace them with Thomas the Tank Engine characters,” wrote perceptive modder Trainwiz on the Skyrim Nexus.

“Well fear not! I have heard your thoughts, because I am amazing like that, and have decided to answer your prayers with this new mod, Really Useful Dragons.”

The pack replaces all of Skyrim’s vanilla dragon models with Thomas the Tank characters, including Thomas himself and the Troublesome Trucks – the notorious coal carriers with the sideways smiles.

If you’re a keen modder or even a beginner, you might be interested in our100 best Skyrim mods.

Trainwiz says all dragon sounds and some spells are replaced with “appropriate” counterparts, though the voices remain as is – “I’m not willing to rip Ringo Starr’s voice just yet”.

The results are horrifying. If you can handle headbob for a few seconds, you’ll be rewarded with a nightmare to replace your nostalgia:

Okay, so the hitbox is a bit off, and Trainwiz hasn’t found a fitting equivalent for fire (cone of coal, anyone?). But that toot-toot is just mortifying.

Awful, too, that unchanging grey smile; those impassive cheeks unbent by mercy or mitigating circumstances; the sheer speed with which the metal bulk of the fell Tank screams down from the sky. So much for the “cheeky little engine” of Reverend Wilbert Awdry’s books, eh?

Thanks to GMG’sTracey McGarrigan for this one.