17 things Valve might announce at GDC that aren’t Half-Life 3 (and one that is)

Half-Life 2

Valve are now just hours away from their highly anticipated GDC talk, which keen-eyed spectators and internet hype merchants have noted is scheduled to take place at 3pm on March 3rd.

Their conclusion? Why it’s the same conclusion everybody comes to any time Valve is about to do anything at all: that they are about to announce nothing less than Half-Life 3 itself.

So to temper everybody’s expectations, here are 17 less-exciting things Valve might announce that aren’t Half-Life 3. (Number 7 will blow your mind.)

  1. There’s a boat somewhere out on the sea, and there’s a man on the boat, and the man is very sad.
  2. Valve finally explored the scary tunnel down by the old McGregor’s place even though their parents told them not to, but all they found was a locked metal door and we should definitely go back next summer to let off some fireworks in there.
  3. Steam is getting a Bigger Picture and Biggest Picture mode, as well as a Tiny Picture mode designed for microscopic gamers.
  4. Everybody is leaving Valve to go run Greece.
  5. The cardboard Gordon Freeman standee that they had in their lobby has gone missing, and if anybody has seen it could they please email Gabe because there aren’t many of them left.
  6. A new gun for Team Fortress 2 that looks like one of the normal guns but has a new stat or something.
  7. Half-Life 3 (wow).
  8. That our brains are just made up of chemicals okay, and if we could… you know, control the chemicals, like, if we had complete mastery of our own minds, yeah, then we could experience nirvana, right, like we could turn that stuff on like a switch dude. Oh man hold up is that what Buddhist monks are doing? Ahh I’ve just figured it out. Those guys… man, I think those guys know what’s up??
  9. A new kind of thing for Dota 2.
  10. A different kind of thing for Dota 2.
  11. Some third kind of thing for Dota 2 that is different from the other two.
  12. Gabe Newell has been travelling backwards in time relative to our timelines and so he has seen us all die, and the first time we met him he was moments from his own death, yethehad knownusfor his entire life, and this loss filled him with a profound sadness he has yet to experience.
  13. Due to some management oversight and heavily segmented and self-organised development teams, there are now thirty-eight Half-Life 3s and they will all be released tomorrow.
  14. Half-Life 3 is ready to ship, but a mean looking bird got into the server room and has made a nest next to the “upload to Steam” button and they are waiting for the bird to die. The bird has laid eggs however, and the smaller birds may be even meaner.
  15. Valve invented virtual reality almost thirty years ago, and the universe in which we currently reside is actually a nested simulation four universes down from the real one, and if we’d like to follow Gabe back to reality all we have to do is pass this gun around.
  16. Probably something to do with an updated Source Engine.
  17. Or something to do with their virtual reality headset.