I have never played Hearthstone but here are my top tips for the new expansion anyway

Hearthstone: Goblins vs Gnomes cards

The card game is here! The card game is here! Gather up your cards and get ready for the showdown of the century, because the card game is here and there’s nothing you or I can do or say to make the card game not be here.

After all, the card game is everywhere, smeared up and down the internet like card tar. We can hardly move for all the teetering stacks of cards around us. Oh, we’ll be in so much trouble if we knock over any of these cards.

That’s right, it’s the release of Ghosts and Gobloids, from World of Warcards. Have you got the new cards yet? Well then you may take a look at my top tips for being good at the new card game.

IDENTIFY THE NEW CARDS

The two new cards are the ghost card and the gobloid card. It’s important that you’re able to tell which is which, and it’s easy once you know what to look for. The ghost card is the same size as a regular World of Warcard, while the gobloid card is four times as big, the biggest card in the deck in fact.

Lost your ghost card? Just look behind you. The ghost card is always behind you. That’s the main difference between the ghost card (always behind you) and the gobloid card (huge).

FAMILIARISE YOURSELF WITH THEIR TRENDY ABILITIES

Now you know the differences between the ghost card and gobloid card, it’s time to learn what new abilities and tricks they bring to World of Warcards. Let’s start with the gobloid card, as it’s the biggest.

The Gobloid Card

  • 8 attack points
  • 4 defence gems
  • 7 mana holes
  • Primary: Totally frictionless, will sometimes slide into opponent’s hand
  • Battlecry: Pastes your browser history into the chat channel
  • Deathrattle: Sends “I’M A BAD IDIOT AT WARCARDS” to your WhatsApp contacts

The Ghost Card

  • 6 attack nodes
  • 6 defence orbs
  • 7 hunger shrieks and increasing
  • Ability: Opponent remembers something very sad
  • Battlecry: You wake up in a dark room. You cannot see anything, but you know that somebody is in this room with you, and it is somebody you once knew. They are unhappy. Deals 3 damage to all minions
  • Deathrattle: Discard your deck, pick up opponent’s deck, discard their deck, discard your hand, pick up opponent’s hand, discard opponent’s hand, discard all cards in play, pick up board, discard board, hoist opponent into the air, discard both yourself and your opponent in a blinding flash of light that can be seen for miles around

LEARN THE TRICK SHOTS

As any player worth their salt could tell you, the key to winning any game of World of Warcards is to use one of the eight winning card combinations. You probably know them already, but here they are again: the hooper’s salute, the dandy scoot, the royal dandy scoot, the hot gush, the old flusharoo, the reverse hooper’s salute, the mother’s sorrow and two pairs. Find yourself with any one of those bad babies and I don't need to tell you that you’re on an easy ride to victory street. 

Of course, with the addition of the new gobloid card and the new ghost card, there are now exponentially more winning combinations and cool “trick shots” you can use to outwit your unsuspecting opponent. Try any of these on for size. Hope you like the taste of winning, because it's all you'll be eating from now on.

  • Click and drag on your opponent’s mana counters to flick them off the board, triggering an hour long mini-game in which they must search for their counters under a 3D bed and behind a heavy virtual cupboard that’s difficult to move
  • Play all of your cards at once
  • Attack your opponent in real time by clicking as much as you can
  • When your opponent finally has a chance to make a move, repeatedly shout about how bored you are
  • Refuse to abide by even the most basic rules of the game, such as when you are dead 
  • Shake the board around and shout “haha, it’s an earthquake” even though that’s not funny and you keep doing it for ages and ages after everybody has left the room

Those are just a few of the new World of Warcard techniques that I have discovered, thanks to the addition of both the gobloid card and the ghost card. What a refreshing update to my favourite card game. There are probably lots more tactics to be found, so in the meantime, why not let me know which new card is your favourite in the comments below? Will it be the tricksy ghost? Or will it be the treacherous gobloid?

War Thunder
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Coglives avatarMrAptronym avatarScytheMonkey avatarmejis avatarMrJinxed avatar
Coglives Avatar
4
2 Years ago

I lost my shit at "blinding flash". Well done.

3
MrAptronym Avatar
359
2 Years ago

This is the only warcards article I can approve of.

2
mejis Avatar
8
2 Years ago

Funniest thing I've read all year, thank you.

"Paste your browser history". Amazing!!

2
ScytheMonkey Avatar
67
2 Years ago

Hahahahah fantastic. I'm a big fan of the mother's sorrow move myself, with my tricksy Ghost. Let us all depart in a blinding flash of poignant memories!

1
MrJinxed Avatar
872
2 Years ago

8/8 would bang

1