When the world ends and the dead rise from their graves, it’s not the meek who will inherit the Earth, but rather the clinically insane. Most confrontations in DayZ might involve people killing each other, but every so often, something magical happens. Sometimes literal magic is involved, with cults summoning ancient, dark powers, but other times a man will be made to sing Coldplay or someone will attempt to fly.
With the help of lovely Nick, I’ve collected some of the strangest, funniest – and at least one downright terrifying – videos to have come out of the bleak post-apocalyptic survival shooter. But beware, because when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. And it might make you wiggle.
There’s something about the End Times that turns normal, sane individuals into possessed adherents of ancient dark forces. When there’s nothing good left in the world, you might as well turn to the heavens or hells in hope of salvation, I guess. Me? I’d rather just drink myself to death.
When walking down a road in search of water, one survivor came across a trio of trouserless clowns. There was also something strange about them.
Not all lunatic cults are in a position of power, however. Sometimes they find themselves at the mercy of gun-toting arseholes who really want backpacks. Even the power of the hypnotic wiggle can’t save you in every instance, as these unfortunate pilgrims were to discover when they came across some bandits.
It isn’t always obvious what evil forces drive an psychotic individual. In the case of Tiny Tim, a terrifying mute, all you need to know is that he hangs around in the dark, executes people and walks very, very slowly. But really, isn’t there a Tiny Tim inside us all? No. There isn’t. Seek help.
Not all encounters in DayZ involve black magic or slasher film villains. You might not even die when you meet another human being, though you probably will. While the bandits of DayZ tend to be trigger happy, occasionally you might come across a slightly more sympathetic highwayman, as was the case when a new player found himself with a gun pointed at his face.
If you’re particularly lucky, you might even come across a good samaritan. In a world riddled with zombies and murderers, it’s easy to forget that there are some individuals who just want to lend a helping hand. Is this the future of DayZ? Where everyone just wants to help their neighbours survive for yet another bleak, miserable day? Probably not.
I’ve really been trying to hammer home the fact that DayZ is an oppressive, unrelentingly horrible world filled with nothing but pain and misery, because you should be scared and paranoid. But even in the darkest times, there are some glimmers of light. Sometimes the greatest art can come from the most unlikely places, like this beautiful Coldplay rendition from a handcuffed prisoner.
Singing is not the only form of entertainment during the zombie apocalypse, of course. In your normal, everyday life you might come across people wearing the same clothes and think to yourself “Could I make these people fight to the death?” You’re a terrible person, you really are, which is why DayZ is the perfect place for you.
While you were chuckling away to yourself, perhaps even fantasising about jumping in-game and making people fight for your sick amusement, a flicker of humanity may have started burning away in your soul. “What have I become?” you ask yourself. Depressing, isn’t it. DayZ is depressing, which is why people keep flinging themselves off tall buildings. But one chap is trying to put an end to this nonsense.
I don’t really care for guns, myself. I appreciate them mechanically, and some firearms are genuinely impressive tools, but when I kill a man, I want to look at him right in the eyes, and then I want to punch those eyes. With my fists. I’m not the only one, and punching armed individuals like a deranged menace has become something of a fad, like twerking and motion controls
Fist fighting is, as everyone knows, a great lark enjoyed by people of all skill levels and ages, from the tiniest toddler to the oldest geriatric. It’s not always about having a laugh, however; the fists can come out as the purest expression of rage, as a way to avenge a dead friend.
We’ve reached the end of our whirlwind tour of lovely DayZ videos. I think we’ve all learned a lot about human nature and, by extension, ourselves. It’s a crazy post-apocalyptic world out there, survivors, so stay safe and be excellent to each other. Also link your own hilarious videos in the comments, because this is by no means a complete list of insanity.