Today’s patch to Dota 2 has filled the hole in the Store that was announcer shaped, bringing with it Doctor Kleiner from Half Life, and a pair of Dota 2 appropriate announcers in Nature’s Prophet and Juggernaut. But this is hardly the end of it, and it’s not going to be surprising if other Valve characters start popping up all over the place, commenting on your minor failures, and critiquing your terrible use of Fissure in blocking off your entire team from a fight.
But which are the ones that will really get your blood fired up, make you commit just a little bit more to that teamfight, and land the kills that will turn the game around? We’ve had a bit of a think, and this is what we’ve come up with.
Team Fortress 2’s ubiquitous Announcer, and CEO of both RED and BLU, Helen has the kind of screech that spurs you into motion, even if you really wanted to stand still. You wouldn’t want to disappoint her, after all. Not when her repeated ‘Overtime!’ still echoes around your head when the sounds of the world drift away into silence.
Sample Quote: You’re a maniac!
The TF2 Pyro
While that gas mask does make it somewhat difficult to provide eloquent and constructive commentary on the unfolding of a Dota 2 match, that’s never really stopped the Pyro from trying its best to express itself. So why stop here? Gmphramph indeed!
Sample Quote: Grrmthphmpmth!
Of all Half Life 2’s characters, none are as bombastic and charasmatic as Father Grigori, the crazed priest who rules over Ravenholm’s chaos with a tenuous grasp, be a tenacious one. He offered brilliantly flowery and pseudo-religious commentary as Gordon cut a swathe through the zombies of that cursed town, so he should be well versed to offer a few words during that particularly brilliant multikill.
Sample Quote: Ultrakill! I bless the glory of thy greatness!
He remains a shadowy figure throughout all of the Half Life games, which means he should feel quite at home hovering out of sight over the top of your Dota 2 game. Whether he’ll be able to pay attention to some heroes mucking about on the field instead of dealing with all that mysterious, pressing business, though, we’re not quite sure.
Sample Quote: First…. blood. You’ve done a great.. deal.. in such a short span.
This is a no-brainer, really. Beyond trying to kill you in a multitude of different ways, under a multitude of different excuses, all GLaDOS does is commentate on your inadequacies and failure to meet her expectations. Which should mean she’ll fit right in pointing out that you really should have placed that Black Hole better, or going Faceless Void is nevera good idea.
Sample Quote: [Subject Name Here]’s Tower is under attack. [Subject Name Here]’s team must be so disappointed.
He’s just as disembodied as GLaDOS, but somehow friendlier, despite being more terse. Might be because he’s not trying to kill you nearly as much, or just that your accidental death is a result of unexpected test results, rather than homicidal AI tendencies. He motivates through the greater good of science, rather than fear for one’s life. You have to like that about an announcer.
Sample Quote: Dire’s Ancient is under attack. We’re done here
While you might imagine that the reanimated corpse of an obese, hygenophobic man might not make the best commentator, the Boomer actually has a lot of astute observations about team composition, lane strength and when exactly it’s best to do Roshan. You just have to figure out how to decipher his series of burps and tummy rumblings into something intelligible, first.
Sample Quote: Brrmplegwap.
Supergiant are typically very protective of their characters, not wanting them to just slip into other games for cheap promos, but they’ve also stated that they’re huge fans of Dota 2, and the possibility of Rucks (Bastion’s Narrator) coming to Dota 2 is a distinct possibility. And how brilliant he would be.
Sample Quote: Kid gets a multikill. Ain’t no stopping him now.
The Milkman (Psychonauts)
Double Fine’s paranoid schizophrenic, Boyd Cooper is one of the most memorable characters in Psychonauts, and throwing him into the Dota mix to peddle his particular brand of paranoia can only make you more terribly anxious about every missing hero from the minimap, and even more wary of constant ganks.
Sample Quote: I am the Milkman, that first blood was delicious.
Mordin (Mass Effect)
Because if there’s anything Dota 2 needs, it’s a scientist to properly break down and analyse everything that’s going on. It’s pretty unlikely that we’ll see characters from non-independent developers showing up in Dota 2, but if we do, it’d be lovely to have a character as memorable and fun as Mordin providing a bit of commentary.
Sample Quote: Dire’s Courier has been killed. Sloppy. A waste. Could’ve done more.
HK-47 (Knights of the Old Republic)
Similarly, having KoToR’s famously acerbic and bloodthirsty Droid companion insulting you from on high as you flounder in mid can only inspire you to do better. Or crush your spirit and have you break down crying. But then that’s always a threat in Dota 2, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.
Sample Quote: Multikill! Suggestion: Play better, losing meatbag team.
Morte (Planescape: Torment)
He might have had some use in combat to bit the ankles of your enemies, but Mort mostly just filled the ‘talking head’ role in your party, commenting on pretty much everything that happened. It was almost tempting to shove him in your bag of holding just to shut him up, but then he’d come up with a line that made you laugh, and you’d keep him out for a little longer.
Sample Quote: Roshan has been slain by the Dire. You know, I’d rather like that Aegis. I could do with a new body.
Adam Jensen (Deus Ex: Human Revolution)
In between carefully manoeuvring unconscious bodies so that they’ll wake up with a face full of toilet, and stopping megalomaniac corporations from ruining the world, Adam Jension could pop over to Valve to commentate on a few Dota 2 matches, surely. Although he’s a man of few words, so I’m not sure if he’d have all that much to say, even if he did find his way into a soundproof booth.
Sample Quote: I never asked for this.