02/04/2023 If you fell for this delightful prank, we’re here just to let you know that yes, this was in fact an April Fool’s joke.
We’ve all seen the adorable image that Valorant dating sim lead dev Bee ‘ImABeeBop’ made of Gekko’s adorable buddy, Wingman (if not, it’s below). Brandishing one of the FPS game‘s Classic pistols, we’ve all wondered what it would be like if Wingman could snipe the competition with an Operator. The new Valorant patch notes reveal that, from March 32, he’ll be able to do just that.
Operator Wingman is very much the highlight of this (very real) Valorant patch, but there’s a whole swathe of other changes that will shake the shooter to its core.
Friendship ended with Vandal
First up is the fact that the vandal has been removed from the store entirely. There’s a longstanding debate about which rifle is better in Valorant, so Riot has cut out the middle-man by removing the Vandal from the store entirely.
As a Phantom main, I don’t really mind; in fact, I laugh in the faces of all those who told me that it was the inferior weapon. Who’ll be bottom fragging now? Not me.
Jett go brr
Another major change is the fact that everyone’s favourite Valorant character, Jett, now has a dash with a cooldown of 0.5 seconds. You’ve heard of Sonic the Hedgehog right? Jett is basically him, but human and much faster.
Very real, totally not fake Valorant patch notes
Below is the full rundown of the latest Valorant patch, which Riot has graciously translated as the team “has been made aware that our typical patch notes are hard to understand for everyday Valorant players such as yourself.” Translations are in italics, to make things easier.
Agent Updates
- Wingman can now pick up and shoot guns
- say less—our bestie, Wingman, can now pull up onto site with an Op
- Proximity to Brimstone’s beard adds rapid fire
- Brim looked us square in the eye and gave us a good firm handshake and we just couldn’t say no
Competitive Updates
- Valorant e-daters in Ranked will automatically be funnelled to a dedicated queue where they can only hear one another’s voice comms
- Cuffing season may be over, but if you and your situationship are tryna link over Valorant without getting absolutely merked by your teammates, we gotchu fam.
Gameplay Systems Updates
- Shots fired while in spawn will now shoot into enemy spawn
- map control is mid anyway
- Jett dash is now cooldown based instead of charge based and the cooldown is now set to 0.5 seconds
- we love Jett and we love cars so we made her dash cooldown 0.5 seconds. Jett boutta pull up skrt skrt
Maps Updates
- Breeze is now the only map, and it comes with cabanas and adirondack chairs
- Your timeshare is once again open for business.
Modes Updates
- Suss Teammate Mode: Solo queue with scoreboard and comms turned off
- because like why are you bottom fragging and not using comms — pick a struggle.
Performance Updates
- In Game Leads will now get an “aged” effect face filter applied to their Agent
- When I was your age they used to say, “youth is wasted on the young.” Different times.
Progression Updates
- You can now progress the Battlepass on your stationary bike
- not you forgetting to complete the last Battlepass
Social Updates
- Use of ‘Valorant Accent’ in voice comms is now automatically translated
Weapons Updates
- We’ve seen the online banter of which is better: Vandal or Phantom. To make the decision easier, we are removing the Vandal from the shop.
- friendship ended with Vandal now Phantom is your best friend #phantoms4life
As I mentioned, I think that these changes are hugely beneficial for the game and won’t have any negative impacts whatsoever – although, it may be worth checking our Valorant tier list if you can’t rely on your Vandal skills anymore. We also have a list of the best Valorant crosshairs, because it helps to be prepared.
Wingman ‘go do a crime’ image added with ImABeeBop’s permission.