Sex games. They are all around us. They are leaking out of the walls. They are flooding up through the floorboards. "Where are all these sex games coming from?" screams your mother, as she puts the sofa up on cinder blocks to protect it from the rising tide of sex games. "Get all of the white goods up the stairs!"
Related: the best RPGs on PC.
"Get with it mum, you massive prude," you shout in reply, opening the back door and allowing a great wave of filthy sex games to wash over the living room, carrying your dad's slippers away in a frothy deluge while the family dog barks and barks, confused and soaking. That is sex games for you. Or houses in low-lying flood plains. I can never remember which is which.
Who cares! Here are the seven best games with sex in them.
Mass Effect: Andromeda
The Mass Effect series is the only reason you are ever likely to use the word ‘romanceable’ - at least until that inevitably becomes the name of a problematic dating app made in Silicon Valley.
There are ten romanceable NPCs in Mass Effect: Andromeda, and you will know when you meet them thanks to a little heart icon - which you can act on in conversation by ‘flirting’. Flirting is a real-life mechanic that indicates you would like to indulge in a little romanceabants, and perhaps more. Where ‘more’ is panoramic sex.
Eventually, there will come a point, somewhere beyond the fulfillment of a companion’s character-specific missions, where you will notice their conversation become 100% wisecracks. Kind of like the script for Skyfall, but with marginally more frequent reference to duty and colonialism. That is when the panning shots of bedroom antics usually begin, and the skin-tight space clothes come off.
One more time, just for the Google search ranking: ‘romanceable’.
Actually, pretty much every BioWare game since 2005
Over the past decade, BioWare's RPGs have become synonymous with sex games. Relentless, unfettered and delightfully progressive sex acts, allowing you to engage in terrible, terrible sex with, among others: a spaceman, a spacewoman, a blue spacewoman, a genderless frog, a horned demon, a regular demon, and a woman stuck inside a gas mask.
Just as in real life, you are only permitted to have sex with somebody in a BioWare game like Dragon Age: Inquisition having first exhausted all of their dialogue options, choosing only the flirtiest answers, and winning all of the pre-sex minigames. Once you have done this, your suitor will appear above your bed one night and demand to merge their most private polygons with yours.
South Park: The Stick of Truth
When it comes to sex games, South Park: The Stick of Truth is as unconventional as they get. That is thanks to a scene that plays out like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, only with much more scrotum dodging.
After being shrunken down to the size of a gerbil, you emerge from a vent into your parents’ room. They start going at it on their bed while you fight off a band of underwear-stealing gnomes on the opposite dresser - because South Park. The fight does not end there as soon you find yourself locked in conflict with an Underpants Warlock on the bed, dodging limbs and swinging appendages with graphic quick time events. Kind of like in your nightmares.
Bethesda are understated in their depiction of the deed, if only for fear of having to animate all the wobbly bits without somebody’s crucial parts sticking in the terrain and elongating to span the gap between Sanctuary and the Glowing Sea (incidentally the same technique employed by the medical practitioners who send enthusiastic emails to young men of low self-esteem).
True to life, Fallout 4 sex is contingent upon a series of regular and increasingly challenging charisma tests. But should you pass through the necessary checks and balances that prevent sex from happening to insufficiently persuasive 200-year-old widowers, you will be treated to a fade to black and a night on one of the stained mattresses favoured by the denizens of Fallout 4's Commonwealth.
Looking to be persuaded? Read our Fallout 4 review.
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
The Witcher games are crawling with every different kind of fantasy wizard sex imaginable, to the extent that the game and its cast of dozens of sexable NPCs has been criticised by some as brazenly sexist. It is perhaps only because The Witcher 3 and its convoluted quests are so patently ridiculous in this depiction of an unending parade of women latching on to Geralt's balls that it can get away with these sorts of boning-upon-quest-completion transactions.
Whichever way you slice this cake, however, it is layers of sex sponge with sex filling in between, no doubt about it. The Witcher 3 was the game of 2015 and has sex all up in it, no matter how you might feel about that.
Not yet full? Here's our The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt review.
Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy
What sort of shambles of a list of sex games would this be without mentioning the stomach-turning sex scene in Farenheit: Indigo Prophecy, in which a woman does full sex with a man who is technically an animated corpse at the end of the world, pausing only to remark that he is "freezing"?
That is no sort of sex games list I want any part of, let me tell you. Bonus points are awarded here for the sex act taking place in a pile of filthy old, wee-smelling cardboard boxes in some sort of hole in the ground where disgusting people live.
Wolfenstein: The New Order
There are two bits of sex in MachineGame's Nazi-blasting FPS. The first and most notable happens on a train journey, shortly after a terrifying encounter with maniacal labour camp commandant Frau Engel. After passing a racial purity test and proving yourself worthy of the master race, there is a brief bit of walking around holding a tray of realistically sloshing coffee. And then, just like that, there is a sex.
Our hero, even in the throes of physical ecstacy, cannot help but be introspective. "Sometimes Christmas, sometimes birthdays, sometimes mayhem, suffering and death," monologues BJ. "Sometimes you just need to feel something good."
All of which must have been distracting to his friend and resistance leader Anya, who is busily going to town on him.
Want more? Here's our Wolfenstein: The New Order review.
Coming Out On Top
An interactive graphic novel about a college student coming to terms with his sexuality in the only way he knows how: by slinging it around like it is going out of fashion. You can focus your attentions on one of five men (or a fish) in this gay dating simulator, unlocking a catalogue of still-frame, sequence shots of really quite remarkably hot sex.
Unburdened of the usual game mechanics of jumping on heads, collecting crystals, and blasting orbs of pure energy from your eyes, Coming Out On Top can instead freely explore the myriad ways in which it's possible to be carnally satisfied.
That's it! Let us know your own carnal desires in the comments. And if you're looking for further education, try the seven weirdest sex scenes in The Witcher 3.