What are the best sex games on PC? From steamy sexy times in The Witcher 3, space rumpy-pumpy in Mass Effect: Andromeda, to kinky bedroom antics in Fallout 4, these are the sexiest games on PC.
Sex. It’s all around us. It’s leaking out of the walls. It’s flooding up through the floorboards. “Where’s all this sex coming from?” screams your mother, as she puts the sofa up on cinder blocks to protect it from the rising tide of sex. “Get all of the white goods up the stairs!”
“Get with it mum, you massive prude,” you shout in reply, opening the back door and allowing a great wave of filthy sex to wash over the living room, carrying your dad’s slippers away in a frothy deluge while the family dog barks and barks, confused and soaking. That’s sex for you. Or houses in low-lying flood plains. I can never remember which is which.
Anyhoo, if you’re feeling a little… um, shall we say, ‘stimulated’, the following games all have copious amounts of virtual intercourse. Videogame bonking may not be particularly highbrow, with the act often portrayed as the equivalent of knocking a Barbie and Ken together, but hey, points for effort. Have a cold shower on standby: these are the best PC sex games around.
The best sex games are:
South Park: The Stick of Truth
When it comes to sex games, South Park: The Stick of Truth is as unconventional as they get. That is thanks to a scene that plays out like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, only with much more scrotum dodging.
After being shrunken down to the size of a gerbil, you emerge from a vent into your parents’ room. They start going at it on their bed while you fight off a band of underwear-stealing gnomes on the opposite dresser – because South Park. The fight does not end there, as soon you find yourself locked in conflict with an Underpants Warlock on the bed, dodging limbs and swinging appendages with graphic quick time events. Kind of like in your nightmares.
Mass Effect: Andromeda
The Mass Effect series is the only reason you are ever likely to use the word ‘romanceable’ – at least until that inevitably becomes the name of a problematic dating app made in Silicon Valley.
There are ten romanceable NPCs in Mass Effect: Andromeda, and you’ll know when you meet them thanks to a little heart icon – which you can act on in conversation by ‘flirting’. Flirting is a real-life mechanic that indicates you would like to indulge in a little romance-a-bants, and perhaps more. Where ‘more’ is panoramic sex. Check out our Mass Effect: Andromeda romance guide if you want to improve your chances of doing the dirty deed.
Eventually, there will come a point, beyond the fulfilment of a companion’s character-specific missions, where you will notice their conversation become 100% wisecracks. Kind of like the script for Skyfall, but with marginally more frequent reference to duty and colonialism. That is when the panning shots of bedroom antics usually begin, and the skin-tight space clothes come off. Oh, and BioWare’s latest also has some RPG stuff in it, as you can read about in our Mass Effect: Andromeda PC review.
One more time, just for the Google search ranking: ‘romanceable’.
Over the past decade, BioWare’s other RPGs have also become synonymous with sex. Relentless, unfettered and delightfully progressive sex. Games like Dragon Age 3: Inquisition also let you perform the horizontal mambo. Those randy reprobates at BioWare need to be doused in several gallons of the iciest water available.
Bethesda are understated in their depiction of the deed, if only for fear of having to animate all the wobbly bits without somebody’s crucial parts sticking in the terrain and elongating to span the gap between Sanctuary and the Glowing Sea (incidentally the same technique employed by the medical practitioners who send enthusiastic emails to young men of low self-esteem).
True to life, sex in Fallout 4 is contingent upon a series of regular and increasingly challenging charisma tests. Once you familiarise yourself with the many Fallout 4 bugs, crashes and fixes that can interrupt your virtual coitus, and should you pass through the necessary checks and balances that prevent sex from happening to insufficiently persuasive 200-year-old widowers, you will be treated to a fade to black and a night on one of the stained mattresses favoured by the denizens of the game’s Commonwealth.
And if you’re not interested in digital intercourse, there are still plenty of Alsatian antics you can indulge in, as you’ll find out in our Fallout 4 PC review.
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
The Witcher games are crawling with every different kind of fantasy wizard sex imaginable, to the extent that the game and its cast of dozens of sexable NPCs has been criticised by some as brazenly sexist. It is perhaps only because The Witcher 3 and its convoluted quests are so patently ridiculous in this depiction of an unending parade of women latching on to Geralt’s balls that it can get away with these sorts of boning-upon-quest-completion transactions.
Whichever way you slice this cake, however, it is layers of sex sponge with sex filling in between, no doubt about it. The Witcher 3 was the best game of 2015 and has sex all up in it, no matter how you might feel about that. Seek out our The Witcher 3 PC review to find out why the action-RPG classic has a lot more going for it than between-the-sheets deviancy.
Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy
What sort of shambles of a list of sex games would this be without mentioning the stomach-turning sex scene in Farenheit: Indigo Prophecy, in which a woman does full sex with a man who is technically an animated corpse at the end of the world, pausing only to remark that he is “freezing”?
That is no sort of sex games list I want any part of, let me tell you. Bonus points are awarded here for the sex act taking place in a pile of filthy old, wee-smelling cardboard boxes in some sort of hole in the ground where disgusting people live.
Wolfenstein: The New Order
There are two bits of sex in Wolfenstein: The New Order. The first and most notable happens on a train journey, shortly after a terrifying encounter with maniacal labour camp commandant Frau Engel. After passing a racial purity test and proving yourself worthy of the master race, there’s a brief bit of walking around holding a tray of realistically sloshing coffee. And then, just like that, there is a sex.
Our hero, even in the throes of physical ecstasy, cannot help but be introspective. “Sometimes Christmas, sometimes birthdays, sometimes mayhem, suffering and death,” monologues BJ. “Sometimes you just need to feel something good.”
All of which must have been distracting to his friend and resistance leader Anya, who is busily going to town on him. Anyhoo, read up on why Wolfenstein: The New Order is one of 2014’s best games.
Coming Out On Top
An interactive graphic novel about a college student coming to terms with his sexuality in the only way he knows how: by slinging it around like it is going out of fashion. In Coming Out On Top, you can focus your attentions on one of five men (or a fish) in this gay dating simulator, unlocking a catalogue of still-frame, sequence shots of really quite remarkably hot sex.
Unburdened of the usual game mechanics of jumping on heads, collecting crystals, and blasting orbs of pure energy from your eyes, sex in Coming Out On Top can instead freely explore the myriad ways in which it’s possible to be carnally satisfied.
So, there you have it, the best sex games on PC. Once you’ve dipped your privates in an ice bucket for an hour or two, make sure you check out the best upcoming PC games. And if you really must indulge filthy thoughts, fantasise about what sort of lurid sex acts Geralt will get up to in The Witcher 4. For the time being, though, you should calm down, think unsexy thoughts (oooh, steamed celery!), and try to redirect all that blood towards your head. Now, let’s never speak of sex again.